Popsicle Diet

I've discovered that from time to time as I bustle to and from opposite ends of the lab, I don't always have time to fit in three square meals a day. As of yesterday I've begun experimenting in frozen dietary suppliments with hopes of establishing a full popsicle diet for consumption during these hectic work weeks. The idea seems sound in the preliminary stages. 

With luck, I will be able to construct an efficient extraction and deep freeze process that will maximize nutrition. Unfortunately the juicing and blending process is at a temporary standstill as my old blender couldn't handle ice. BUT, as soon as I de-rust that old wood chipper, I should be back in business.

FALCON OUT!

-The Falcon

Treadmills

I've devised a new elevator system that runs on the basis of a treadmill. Imagine a narrow elevator shaft with treadbelts oscillating on opposite walls. By carefully calibrating the speed and pressure ratios of the belts, I've managed to achieve lift by mechically sliding a platform into the shaft, perpendicular to the belts. Granted the first few trails were catostrophic and nearly leathal, but since the testing is finally complete, it feels much more stable overall. 

Currently the rig only loads a two floor span. With luck and tweaking in the future, I'm certain I could advance this distance to the full five levels of the laboratory. However for today, my work is done.

Neosporining

-The Falcon

The Falconmobile

It has come to my attention that sometimes the komodo dragons get lazy and are not an efficient means of transport. Therefore I've been devising a new mode of transport dubbed... the FALCONMOBILE.

Currently I'm sick of gas prices. It takes way too much out of my research fund to fill up an American automobile. Sadly, this endeavor hinges upon my contact, Bruno smuggling a suitcase nuke from the ex-Soviet empire into the U.S. I'm planning on using a small nuclear reactor to generate power in the turbine engine. I think I'll just have him FedEx it.

I will not be stopped by the petty struggle in the Middle East. Plans will be posted upon development.

Solidly,

-The Falcon

This Day in History

If there's one thing I hate, it's pompous dead guys. There is so much to be said about how you can't be respected until after you die. THEN, you have to wait about 200 years before you can be fully appreciated for your contributions to the world. Personally, I don't mind being uncredited, undiscovered, and unseen. The Falcon will still soar upwards on the currents of tomorrow. 

However for your edification here are some notable events that occurred on this day in history. Hopefully you'll appreciate their impact.

1987 - IBM introduces PS/2 & OS/2

1985 - US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site

1978 - Velcro was 1st put on the market

1964 - USSR launches Zond 1 to Venus; no data returned

1931 - Teenage girl strikes out Babe Ruth & Lou Gehrig in an exhibition game in Chattanooga, Tennessee

1902 - 1st motion picture theater opens (LA)

1877 - 1st Easter egg roll held on White House lawn

1800 - 1st performance of Ludwig von Beethoven's 1st Symphony in C

1513 - Florida discovered, claimed for Spain by Ponce de Leon




April Second, fools may have first dibs on the month, but innovators are a close second.



Deliberative,

-The Falcon

Ice Age

If it were possible, I'd begin working on a weather machine to climate control the immediate area. I'm so sick of this cold snap. I'm shaking my fist at Mother Nature. Grr...

...I suppose it could be done with some sort of atmospheric rocket. The rocket could then be used to launch a satellite which filters particles out of the surrounding air in order to slow precipitate formation. This would allow more sunlight to pass through and raise the overall temperature of the ground below. Simultaneously, the filtration dispersion feature would heat up the earth by encapsulating heat being the particle shield. However I could result in a second ice age...

That was a bad movie,

-The Falcon

A day wasted

I just spent the last four hours on the phone arguing with Italian police officers about the contents of a certain package that still hasn't arrived. Apparently the customs officers got all bent out of shape when they heard a ticking sound and there was some powdery residue. I don't see what the big deal is, I mean that was a valuable experiment in ant farm germination. And now they won't even send it back! My ants could be building one of the fastest super colonies in the western world, but I'll never know about it now!

I mean, it's the twenty-first century, shouldn't my associate researcher be able to send my results across the Atlantic? It's not like tankers and steamboats are the only means of travel. I am at a loss for words.

Bemused

-The Falcon

The Monumentary

Some of my followers seem to be sucked into this whole "reality tv" kick that's been popular in media for the last several years. Prompting them to request a more live view of the life of the Falcon. But rather than have some cocky host follow me around, I figured I'd make my own documentary about my life. However, documentary doesn't carry the same gravity as this project. It's not a documentary, it's a monumentary.


I've begun acquiring some camera gear and scouting experiments that my followers can handle live footage of. Provided I don't melt the camera, this could be a very educational undertaking. I plan on making a list of tutorial and DIY builds that will help you enrich your life.


You deserve to know

-The Falcon

Proposition #459

It occured to me the other day as I sat through another monotonous chicken nugget commercial in attempts to calibrate the satellite uplink to the main monitor that Americans are rather self indulgent when it comes to their diets. Therefore, those who enjoy chicken, or "chicken" as the case may be, pressed into nugget shapes or resembling "fingers," must regularly devote funds to said foods. If one were an intelligent being, harnessing the capitalist system of America, one could, as the kids say, make significant "bank".


Which brings me to Proposition #459: Boneless Chickens.


"Wha.. Boneless Chicken? Falcon, you're a coot." No, it hasn't already been invented. Allow me to explain. Between the coop and the drive-thru there is a significant amount of middlemen. The farmer, the driver, the butcher, the processor, and the distributor and tons of other people who don't need the money. I propose to eliminate the noise by breeding chickens without bones. Rather than having tons of bones discarded, why not breed chickens that have 99% meat. That way you can just kill them and cook them.


I'm not entirely sure about how to produce this race of mush birds, but I feel that tampering with the pituitary gland may yield results. If I can downgrade the chicken to produce rapid amounts of meat, without tumorous overgrowth, it would put an end to the current system of chicken production. Why waste the life of a chicken? There's all that brutality involved and the blood and the guts. I propose breeding a less life chicken, a chicken that has no real feeling but only grows. Only minimal organ function and cellular respiration will be necessary.


These blobular bird ball will be less like butchering chickens and more like harvesting cabbage. Ultimately, it will be a very lucrative business endeavor.


Innovating,

-The Falcon

Beta Testing

Systems check is finally complete. It seems most of the bugs have been worked out of the defense grid. The backup generators are running smoothly, and the software seems to be behaving as of late. The solar panels could still use some revamping as the overall cycling pattern misses about 25% of the sun in the mid-morning, but that's what beta testing is for. 


I found my screwdriver finally. Unfortunately it was sealed behind that blasted piece of drywall I put up earlier. Somehow in the fuss it seems I left it back there. If it hadn't been for the x-ray radiation testing, I would have never known where to look. However, it also means I need some more lead paneling because the rays shouldn't have permeated as far as the galley. But once the facility is fully operational the experiments will begin with more frequency.  

Hopeful


-The Falcon

Build Complete

After an arduous and secretive three weeks, the new lab has finally been completed. The komodo dragons seem to be adapting well to their new cages. Overall, things are on the upswing. The downside is that the underground hangar is a bit smaller than it looked on the initial blueprints, probably meaning that the ex-Soviet helibird will have to go. It's not as practical nowadays (slight rotar damage and pitches to left, check out on eBay if interested). I still have to calibrate the elevator shaft a bit more, the motor is little jerky. Perhaps I'll install a fireman style pole for more efficient travel.


I must say that overall I'm very pleased with the new facility. The secretive underground bunkerlike nature will be ideal for conducting the more involved experiments, while still avoiding the clostrophobic, meerkat nature of my past domicile. I wish the giant pistons would run faster because the hangar doors are sluggish at the moment, meaning an emergency re-entry could be problematic. I'll probably try to soup those bad boys up. That's what I get for ordering aftermarket Japenese pistons and rotors. If you want good stuff, don't skimp and buy German. Lesson learned.


All in all things are shaping up to be bright day in the Falcon's eye.


Resolute,

-The Falcon

Finally

At long last, the new facility is nearing completion. It's been an awful time trying to conceal construction vehicles entering and exiting the site. Luckily the cloaking device has held up overall. The displaced dirt should come in very handy for the adobe testing coming up in April. I've got a feeling that mud huts may soon be back in vogue due to those tree hugging California greenies. This could be an opportunity to generate some additional income.

The manatee aquarium finally got filled today. My seacows seemed very appreciative of the new home. I can't decide if I should spring for paint or not. The flourescent lighting isn't the best, but I've got a feeling that some color may spruce up the galley area. Overall, the industrial bomb shelter look seems very postmodern and I quite enjoy it. Somewhere I've misplaced my favorite screwdriver, it's phillips head and has a handle that is very ergonomic. The company that made them got busted awhile ago for lead, or recall, or something of that nature so I doubt I'll be able to find another one. I hope it didn't fall into the flux radiator of the robo suit again...


Searching,

-The Falcon

Lab Update

Things are not going well. I had to retro fit the slushie machine in the galley area due to a low hanging cupboard. I hate drywall. I tried to avoid the sheetrock at all costs. It's such an annoying aspect of construction. The dust got everywhere even though I had things covered. It made the filtration system go haywire and nearly caused an emergency engage, almost locking down level three.


Simultaneously this caused for a surge in the electric system to the lab which fried the new brain probes that were plugged in and getting a firmware update. This meant that I had to go to the main level electrical conduit and reset the breaker. I can't wait to get the elevator going. Two of the brain probes are fried beyond repair and I've got to replace the chip sets in several more.


I've got my work cut out for me.

-The Falcon

Lab Update

Czech rotors for the air lock are bad. I need to send them back. Lesson learned, never buy a refurb. I really hope that freighter gets here soon.

Delayed.

-The Falcon

Gasp

For a second I thought I'd been discovered. That blasted GoogleMap SUV drove by and my sensors for the third tier perimeter were temporarily down. Luckily the cloaking device scrambles most electrical readings in a fifty yard radius. It was still too close for comfort. I must stay vigilant. 

I'll admit my head has been jumbled that past couple days during this renovation process. But fear not I will be back to my old self soon enough. This sleep deprived caffiene benge is only a temporary fix. My new state of the art aviarium of science will soon be complete.

Tired

-The Falcon

Proposition #401

While attempting to complete the lab rennovations and install the sound-proofing insulation, I took a break to make a sandwich and watch TV. After channel surfing through static, reality programming, and self-help gurus, I realized a fact about broadcasting... There is nothing to watch. Then a thought occured to me, we need better programming. As my mind perused though various scenarios, I came up with this interesting concept. People like to see destruction.



This brings me to Proposition #401: Zamboni Demo Derby.



Much like a typical county fair demolition derby, the key is destruction. However, unlike most county fairs, there will be modifications. As the nature of the zamboni requires, the event must be held on ice. I supposed for the sake of TV ratings and the FCC it can't be a fight to death. Also if that happened, major league hockey teams wouldn't be able to skate because the nations' best zamboni drivers would be no more. This would probably lead to the rise of marshall law state of ice control in which one great and powerful champion would abuse his position, oppressing other up-and-coming zamboni-ists. Until a vigilante uprising upsets the throne, his terror will reign supreme. ...So to avoid this, it'll just be a show to smash up big ice shaving vehicles.


Hungry for knowledge,


-The Falcon

Lab Update

Followers,


I've been working on updating the laboratory. The Komodo Dragons have begun to out grow their cages do to the prolonged steroid injections. They are quite fiesty nowadays. One of them broke out the other day. I'm pretty sure one them ate Mrs. Wallerby's cats. Actually come to think of it, I haven't seen Mrs. Wellerby lately... Anyway, my lab is in need of renovation. A misfiring pneumatic piston propelled a prototype precariously perched upon a shelf tumbling into on skeletal shell of a robotic arm. This then knocked over the bookshelf, scattering graphic novels everywhere. While cleaning up this mess I also burnt the popcorn I was popping which caused a small electrical fire (the Falcon likes to manually pop his popcorn, listening to the dwindling snaps to insure doneness without burntness) alas, I'm now without a microwave.


In short, I'm in the process of constructing a new facility. It'll have to be underground, doubling as a bomb shelter. If my enemies attack, my amassed knowledge must be secured for you, the followers. For even if my earthly form dwindles, the wingspan of intellect will never fly away.


I will also need a slushie machine. I've tried to make my own but I can never get the mixture right. The flavoring always seems to sink to the bottom and I can never get the ice finely ground. I've destroyed 4 blenders in the quest of my icy indulgences. Curse you ICEE polar bear and your snappy fashion and fruity goodness.


I will soon begin scouting sites for covert construction. Once the cloaking device and cable is hooked up, I will begin construction. Until then, know that I will never tire in the endless quest for knowledge...


Determined,

-The Falcon

Proposition #378

This winter weather has made commuting to work a real pain. I'm so tired of having to de-ice the Falconmobile every morning on my way to work. I guess I could build a garage for my car like most "normal" people. But that's not solving the problem. Most parking lots are still exposed to the elements, and with icy road conditions and motorists moving at snail-like paces, it's a real hassle to commute.

That's why I've devised an alternative to this mundane winter monotony. Behold Proposition #378: Giant Robot.

 Traffic? What traffic? It's a giant robo-suit to commute in. Now I'm not talking about all those Hollywood movies, with giant metal heroes that save the day and fight off the aliens. I'm talking about the awesome factor.

Can you even begin to imagine the amazing things you could do with a giant robot? Okay, first thing in the morning you wake up; you want breakfast. Forget breakfast! You can throw a car 500 yards with your robot arms!

I've comprised a list of some super cool things you could in a giant robot suit:

• Tackle a train, and win with my giant robot suit.
• Shoot lasers out of my giant robot suit.
• Liquidate an elephant in a single stomp in my giant robot suit.
• Sink Hawaii with my giant robot suit.
• Ride Godzilla with my giant robot suit.
• Jump the Grand Canyon in my giant robot suit.
• Co-star next to Shia Lebeouf in my giant robot suit.
• Defy laws of physics in my giant robot suit.
• Fight an alien invasion in my giant robot suit.
• Go to grocery store in my giant robot suit.
• Get eggs in my giant robot suit.
• Get milk in my giant robot suit.
• File taxes in my giant robot suit.
• Call mom in my giant robot suit.
• Feed komodo dragons in my giant robot suit.
 

 

In my giant robot suit. 

-The Falcon

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Proposition #309

In light of the New Year resolving, people struggling to "get in shape" and adhere to their rigorous dietary standards, the thought that we are one year away from 2012 (and our Mayan based doom) happened to cross my mind. Though I'm certain that I'll live to see 2013 like most people, doomsday accounts do make one question his own mortality. Like all flying birds, (excluding the phoenix) I too have a limited lifespan, but rather than dwell on the tedious funeral plans, the sadness, the loss, and all those weird relatives, I've got a systematic approach that will be implemented upon my demise.

I proudly present Proposition #309: Shark Funeral.

Cremation? Burial? It's such a hassle. If there weren't such "ethical" concerns I'd be a strong proponent for taxidermy, but since those conservatives won't cut me a break, I've devised this plan. I mean, cremation is good and all, but if that urn tips and the wind catches it right, you can end up with a mouthful of grandma. Caskets are way too expensive plus I hate zombies; so being buried isn't an option. That's where the shark funeral comes in.

It's a new spin on the burial at sea. (Like the old throw'em over board approach, but better.) Let's be honest, funerals are a hassle anyway you look at it. People die at the most inconvenient times. Then you're expected to go because if you don't you'll be the bad friend... or child. But whatever, I digress. Anyway with Proposition #309 everybody wins. Now you're probably asking yourself, "It's a funeral, how can everybody win?" Well wise apprentice, just like any good stand-up routine, rock concert or intervention, it comes down to audience participation. You might still be drawing a blank so I'll spell it out.(don't worry, with time you too can be as knowledgeable as I). 

C.H.U.M.. That's right chums, the answer is chum.

My corpse has to be disposed of somehow, and my final wish is to be devoured by sharks. So what better way to remedy the situation? This is where the attendants' participation comes in. Everyone can grab an arm or leg, or a cup of gut juice, and feed it to the sharks.  Preliminary results have shown that camaraderie is produced through traumatic events. Therefore, my chums feeding the sharks chum will help bring closure and resolution to feelings of loss.

And let's be honest, it be a pretty memorable time. Granted this is hasn't been done before, at least not intentionally, but I feel the shark funeral would make the best out of a bad situation. Pizza will also be served, and there will be a pretty awesome music mix as well. I can't put a direct location on it as of yet due to the fact that migratory patterns of sharks fluctuates slightly over time, but I can guarantee that it will be in a warmer climate such as the Caribbean. 


You're all invited. BYOG (Bring your own gloves)


-The Falcon

Proposition #223

With the national debt growing ever higher, millions and millions of dollars at a time, it makes one think towards the future and retirement opportunities. Yes, even The Falcon will have to one day fly south for the winter. But rather than worry about retirement, 401K's, and denture cream, I've got an unconventional retirement plan that will be carried out before I die. 

Some might call it a "bucket list" but that's way too lame for The Falcon. I'm implementing what I like to call DEFCON: OMEGA. Basically, this is a list of wicked awesome stuff that I plan to do in place of rotting away in a nursing home.

Which brings me to number one on the DEFCON: OMEGA agenda, Proposition #223: Bear Punch

So there it is. Number one. Bear Punch. What better way to say, "Take that Mother Nature, I ain't dead yet!"? 

I know you're wondering how in the world this is going to be possible. And before you ask, no I'm not some bear hatin' left wing nut job. I would just like a challenge before I die. Look at all those big macho hunters who fly up to Alaska for "hunting" as they sit from a safe distance, pick off a bear with a high powered rifle, then pat each other on the back and try to pose for a new facebook profile pic. Bleh, makes me gag. They probably don't even eat it. What a waste. But I'm not like that. I'm in it for the sport. Unlike those flamboyant matadors at bull fights that lack all chivalry, (you know, the "fights" where the guy has a sword and the bull has blunted horns), I will battle with honor. That's why I've set up several guidelines for Proposition #223 which include:

• The bear must be found in the wild. No cage matches, zoos or otherwise.
• I must be alone. Mono a mono, with the bear. 
• Male or Female is inapplicable. (Females tend to be more vicious when protecting cubs, hence a better fight).
• The bear must be at least as tall as me when standing, I'll fight bigger if needed. No baby bear. 
• I will not crouch down in the fetal position unless dead. I'm no quitter. 
• Pandas don't count.
• Fisticuffs only.
• If the bear retreats, the match is over.
• If the bear dies, the match is over.
• If I die, the match is over.
• I will formally address the bear with my intentions before attacking; I'm no savage.
• In the event of the bear's defeat, ending in the demise of said bear, while leaving behind cubs, I assume responsibility for raising them as my own. But I will kill them if I have to, during their angsty teenage years.
• Video rights will be negotiated and propagated solely by BEAR PUNCH LLC.   

I feel that this will be the best possible course of action for The Falcon to take before finally roosting in the big nest in the sky. Provided I live, I will move on down the list of DEFCON: OMEGA.


Stay wise. 

-The Falcon

Proposition #187

I was robbed the other day at the gas pump, by the gas pump. Three dollars a gallon is quite excessive in my opinion. With the push for greener, more sustainable, and more awesome modes of transportation, Americans are once again turning to their foreign counterparts to remedy the solution. Imported cars have long been superior to American made vehicles in the realms of fuel efficiency and burgeoning technology; however I propose that America needs to re-engineer the solution. We need something that says “BAM! Eat that, I’m America!” 

This brings me to Proposition #187: The Komodo Dragon Chariot.

Now, let’s be honest, what could be more epic than a chariot pulled by Komodo dragons?

…Exactly.

You want foreign policy, BOOM! Have The President cruise through North Korea on one of these things. But in spite of the sheer awesomeness that would make Chuck Norris blush, it also has a very practical application.

What could be greener than Komodo Dragons? First off, they’re lizards. Green lizards. Also they’re low maintenance. I’m pretty sure that goats by the pound are cheaper than gas by the gallon. And since they don’t have a natural enemy, they’d make excellent guard …lizards. Imagine someone trying to jack your ride while you’re in the 7-11. With a car, a crook would have about five minutes to break in, hotwire, and drive away. You’d be stuck filling out police reports and would be lucky to ever see your car again. Now imagine you have a Komodo dragon chariot. Instead coming out to find a stolen vehicle, you see your pals chomping on the half-eaten corpse of the would-be thief: justice, security, and fuel all in one. That being said, the KD chariot would also alert you when it’s low on fuel. When you suddenly veer off the road as your lizards devour the neighbor’s dog or that courier cyclist, you’ll know it’s time for a break.

I know what you’re thinking: “How would they be able to shuttle the obese population of America?” The answer, like all things: steroids. Juiced lizards would give your engine a turbo function, just hang a frozen chicken from a fishing pole in front of them and watch your investment pay for itself. Granted, it might not get you up to 70mph, but when you’re rollin’ dragon style, why not savor every mile?

With lethal bacteria-laced saliva, these vehicles would have excellent military application as well. Not to mention, give the troops a massive morale boost.

After several tests, blinders are recommended and winter driving ends up being a bit sluggish. Don't get attached to small children.

-The Falcon

Proposition #136:

This wintry season makes me ever thankful for my abundant facial hair; however growing one can be a rather arduous task for some. In the end, after weeks of cultivating seeds of manliness upon chiseled cheeks of testosterone, a patchy beard can steal every manpoint in a single glance. In this proposal, I will be devising an expedient measure for rapid beard growth.

Behold! The Sneeze-able Beard:

credit

Now, I do not profess to be a doctor or play one on TV, but I feel like a legitimate solution could soon bring this theory into reality. I plan to develop a solution that will be able to increase male facial hair growth with every natural sneeze. Finasteride or dutasteride steroids will be injected into the male’s skin though the release patch temporarily adhered to the skin. Over time the body will build up a natural tolerance to DHT, a testosterone byproduct, which will promote a beard friendly environment. The second stage of patches will be an isolator that will seal the chemicals into the follicles of hair themselves, much like forensic science utilizes drug analysis, I will retro engineer this principle to create Super Hair. From that point, a third patch regimen will allow for the culmination of the triggering growth to come from the normal sneeze. Ideally, the male facial scalp will be saturated with Super Hair follicles, bursting from the roots, seeking release. Therefore, a sneeze will provide a proper force, from a physics standpoint, serving as a catalyst of freeing the hair and enhancing the bushiness of one’s beard.

Many tests are still pending as the first string of candidates went bald. But don’t worry, they’re also sterile now so they can’t pass on the mutation.

An expense for science.

-The Falcon

Welcome

Greetings gifted follower. If you have stumbled upon this fountain of knowledge, you are one of the privileged few of the sacred generation. In days to come I will invite you to join me in the free flowing stream of consciousness that exists in the brain of The Falcon. I intend to use this portal as a chance enlighten those who have fallen from social circles, been stuck by The Man, and probably a following of lame hipster wannabes. 

The Falcon's laboratory is dedicated to highly experimental research that defies convention. Some may write it off as a waste of humanity's time, or perhaps just the ramblings of a madman. ...But, to you few believers, you who have faith in the cause of redeeming inspiration from the bowels of society, you will be saved from yourselves. I intend to spell out numerous experiments, tests, and operations that will save humanity from the mundane by using unorthodox and highly theoretical principles of "science."

Ultimately my aspirations may be nothing more than symbols of text on a server somewhere in the North American continent. However, if one pupil learns to defy reason and gain a new sense of logic, my task will be complete.

I thank you for your time.

-The Falcon