Proposition #309

In light of the New Year resolving, people struggling to "get in shape" and adhere to their rigorous dietary standards, the thought that we are one year away from 2012 (and our Mayan based doom) happened to cross my mind. Though I'm certain that I'll live to see 2013 like most people, doomsday accounts do make one question his own mortality. Like all flying birds, (excluding the phoenix) I too have a limited lifespan, but rather than dwell on the tedious funeral plans, the sadness, the loss, and all those weird relatives, I've got a systematic approach that will be implemented upon my demise.

I proudly present Proposition #309: Shark Funeral.

Cremation? Burial? It's such a hassle. If there weren't such "ethical" concerns I'd be a strong proponent for taxidermy, but since those conservatives won't cut me a break, I've devised this plan. I mean, cremation is good and all, but if that urn tips and the wind catches it right, you can end up with a mouthful of grandma. Caskets are way too expensive plus I hate zombies; so being buried isn't an option. That's where the shark funeral comes in.

It's a new spin on the burial at sea. (Like the old throw'em over board approach, but better.) Let's be honest, funerals are a hassle anyway you look at it. People die at the most inconvenient times. Then you're expected to go because if you don't you'll be the bad friend... or child. But whatever, I digress. Anyway with Proposition #309 everybody wins. Now you're probably asking yourself, "It's a funeral, how can everybody win?" Well wise apprentice, just like any good stand-up routine, rock concert or intervention, it comes down to audience participation. You might still be drawing a blank so I'll spell it out.(don't worry, with time you too can be as knowledgeable as I). 

C.H.U.M.. That's right chums, the answer is chum.

My corpse has to be disposed of somehow, and my final wish is to be devoured by sharks. So what better way to remedy the situation? This is where the attendants' participation comes in. Everyone can grab an arm or leg, or a cup of gut juice, and feed it to the sharks.  Preliminary results have shown that camaraderie is produced through traumatic events. Therefore, my chums feeding the sharks chum will help bring closure and resolution to feelings of loss.

And let's be honest, it be a pretty memorable time. Granted this is hasn't been done before, at least not intentionally, but I feel the shark funeral would make the best out of a bad situation. Pizza will also be served, and there will be a pretty awesome music mix as well. I can't put a direct location on it as of yet due to the fact that migratory patterns of sharks fluctuates slightly over time, but I can guarantee that it will be in a warmer climate such as the Caribbean. 


You're all invited. BYOG (Bring your own gloves)


-The Falcon